I've been absent for a while. No writing.
My loving and generous husband bought me a laptop just so I would write. He believes in me. It was as if this kind and thoughtful gesture paralyzed me. Also, I started reading Bird by Bird, by Anne Lamott. A book, by one of my favorite authors, about writing. I was so inspired by her and then- so paralyzed.
I've been in a dark place again. I've been thinking about what would I call this place along my journey. A valley? A desert? Maybe I've been adrift at sea. I feel too lost to even recognize the landscape.
I don't want to be here. I don't want to write about it.
But, recently I watched two TED talks by Brene Brown. The first one about vulnerability and a second one on shame. Very powerful and very heart wrenching for me to watch.
I've been practicing vulnerability. Very slowly and with much trepidation. And, honestly I haven't always been pleased with the results. In fact, this week I spent three days injured from practicing this art. Yes, injured. And no, not emotionally, physically.
Steve and I were in the midst of a hard talk. One of those "talks" where your voice goes up about three octaves and you begin to sweat.... well, maybe that's just me. I was sharing with him some things that were very difficult for me to say. I didn't realize it but I had my right leg in a toe pointy tight thing. I guess it's called "en pointe" in ballet terms. Anyway, I was so tense that I actually injured my calf muscle. I couldn't walk without intense pain for three days! I'm not kidding!
Vulnerability really is painful.
Honestly though, the shame I have felt over sharing myself is way more painful than a torn calf muscle. In her TED talks Dr. Brown shares that in her research she discovered that people who are vulnerable are people who believe they are worthy- worthy to be seen, to be heard, to take up someone's time sharing of themselves. Well, this is the crux of it for me. I have never felt I was worthy of that. I've never believed that who I am was worth anyone's time.
So, I've finally come to understand that this is what keeps me from writing. Shame. It's not feeling overwhelmed that paralyzes me -it's the shame that does that.
Shame sucks. But, I've decided that living a false life sucks more. I'm going to try vulnerability instead. I'm going to stare down shame, choose not to listen to it's insidious voice. I'm going into the arena. I have no doubt I'll emerge bruised and wounded. But, I believe these wounds will heal and the true me will be left standing. I've also decided I'm worth the risk.
Stay tuned if you want to read up on my journey into discovering the real me. I can't promise it's going to be pretty but I do promise to keep writing no matter how loud the voice of shame gets. I've got my gloves on and I'm not taking them off anytime soon.
Here is the link for Brene Brown's talks. If you have a few minutes they are more than worth your time.
http://www.ted.
