Saturday, May 18, 2013

No Great Expectations

Two weeks until Maddie graduates. Three weeks until the move. Harrison has already moved up and is looking for a summer job. We have the house on the market and a potential renter. The basement is full of boxes. It's happening.

And reality is sinking in.

Yesterday, I ran into my neighbor at the YMCA. She asked me where we were moving and when I told her we were leaving Charlotte- moving away-  she looked at me with huge eyes and said, "Is that okay with you?" What? I was speechless. She is the first person, besides Steve, who has asked me that. And with Steve he didn't ask me in those words.

Am I okay with this?

All this week I have been full of anxiety. The pressure of having people come look at our home- having to keep it clean and be gone so much of each day has been overwhelming. It seems like such a small thing but it hasn't been -it's been huge for me. I HATE anxiety. Hate so much feeling this way- like I can't breathe. I can't think clearly and even doing the simplest task feels like too much.

I never really believed we'd live in Charlotte forever. But I wanted to. And, Steve and I did talk about it. We talked about how maybe this would be it... our last assignment- the one that we could spend the rest of our lives doing- invest here for the long haul. It hasn't happened like I hoped.

But then again, I know me. I know us. We are adventurers. We like a challenge. We like the new and unknown. I guess it was just easier when I was younger with younger kids. Now, I long to settle somewhere- to build a lifelong community with the people around me.

But, can I hope again?

Yesterday morning over breakfast, I told my friend that I have no expectations. I'm making this move with no expectations.

But hope isn't expectation and maybe I expected too much from living in Charlotte, from our assignment here. This was the first place we had lived that truly felt like home. From the moment we found our house and moved in- Charlotte was home to me. I wanted so desperately to raise my kids in the same house - to see them grow up with the same friends. I realize now I put my hope in where we lived.

Maybe I'm anxious about the move because I have no hope. I've confused hope with expectation.

I want to be hopeful. Hopeful that the next two years will be an oasis for me, for my family. That after three years of being apart so much, that we can begin to rebuild what's been lost and build on what's been gained. Because, there have been things that have been gained. There have been good things about the last season of our life.

Maybe that's hope. Looking back and seeing the beauty from ashes. That even though these last years have been painful that God has been doing good things. So, perhaps the next couple of years will not be easy. But, they can be good- if I hope in Him who is working all things out for His glory. And my good.

It's not about where I live. But Christ, living in me. My hope and my glory..