Tonight, as I was getting ready to head out the door to meet some friends for dinner I paused to look in the mirror. Once I got through the insecurity of my jeans being a bit too tight, I really liked what I had on. White jeans, black top, my favorite wedge sandals and a beautiful blue scarf I borrowed from my daughter.
But, as I drove away from the comfort of my home and headed for the wine bar doubts began to settle in my heart and shake my already precarious confidence.
Who was I to think I could pull off a dramatic scarf loosely wrapped around my neck and draped over one shoulder? I love this look, but me? Growing up in a home where I was primarily praised for how I looked, aging has not been as smooth a road as I would have hoped. At 43 my neck is getting wrinkly, my hands a bit nobby, my hair is greying and not as smooth and thick as it once was. I look in the mirror and see crows feet and is that my imagination or are my eyes a bit sunken in?
My mom, at 74 has beautiful smooth skin. Recently, she stopped coloring her hair and it is this amazing brilliant white. Really lovely. I have good genes.
So, I wonder, has this life journey taken more out of me than I expected? And, no I'm not talking about looks here- well, not entirely. I'm pretty content with my appearance. I've got great facial bone structure- even if my chin is a bit too sharp. I do have lovely red(ish) hair and I've always loved my feet. Not that feet make you pretty but, I like mine.
Why then, at 43, don't I feel secure enough to walk into a wine bar feeling fabulous? If it's not my appearance then it must be my lack. But lack of what? If it's true that life has taken more out of me than I expected, what has it taken? And can I get it back?
When did my confidence become so tottery? Internally, I feel like a 9 year old girl walking around in her mother's heels. Ready to take a spill at any moment. The only difference is a 9 year old loves playing dress up. I on the other hand am tired of pretending.
Lately, I've been thinking quite a bit about duplicity and ways in which I am duplicitous. Not true. Not honest. Not me. It's a word that is taking me a while to get my head and heart around. I'm often checking to see if I am presenting a false self to others around me. The challenge? I'm having to get to know myself on a deeper level. The larger test? Being okay with who I am.
I have a friend who says sometimes she feels she is too much. Too much for people to handle. Don't we all feel that way sometimes? I do. I believe if I really let the true Jane 100% out it would be too much. Too loud, too sensitive, too selfish, too much emotion, too much honesty, just too much!
So, tonight as I sat in the parking lot debating on whether or not to take the scarf off; I thought about all these things. I finally came to the conclusion that it would be duplicitous of me to not wear it because, I love it. I love scarves. I feel beautiful, strong, and confident when I wear them. Weird maybe, but true.
I know my insecurity tonight wasn't about how I dress, but something deeper. A fear of being true. An anxiety about being too much. Yes, this life journey has taken a lot out of me. My confidence and self-love have slowly eroded over time. That's life. It happens to most of us.
What I'm thankful for- is that much has been put back. Words of life have been spoken to me and have soaked through to my soul. The friends I met tonight, like many of the women in my life, have done that for me. They have been life givers. The four of us sat around the table sharing so much more than wine and food. We shared grace and truth. We shared Life.
And so, I ended the night the same way I began it- looking in a mirror. The mirror of true friendship. And, as I gazed into what they reflected back to me- what I saw surprised me. I saw that sometimes, I am too much to handle. I saw that we all are. I also saw Beauty. The beauty of unconditional love. That I am never too much for Him. And, that my friends know how to let go of what is overbearing for them and allow it flow to the cross where it's all been born already. It's all been held by the Only One who can ever bear it all. The one who none of us are ever too much for, Jesus.
