Mom in Training

It's 5:30 a.m. and I'm up giving goldfish to Noah, my three year old. The time change is a bear. I like getting up early to have some quiet time to start my day. To gather my thoughts and pray. It was difficult before the time change to beat Noah out of bed but now it's impossible. He's the lightest sleeper we've ever had. If I breathe while walking past his room then his head flies off the pillow and he's at the door. He doesn't sleep well either. He's up 2 or 3 times a night. Our last two kids have been terrible sleepers, so basically I haven't slept since 2004.

If I wasn't so sleep deprived I'm sure I'd think it was funny in a weird kind of way. In my twenties I'm sure I could have handled this lack of sleep better but now, twenty years later and many children later I need some sleep! What was God thinking giving me a strong willed, energetic, extroverted boy at 40? I'm tired. I'm sure there's some irony here, some lesson to learn but it's hard to learn anything when you can barely think straight enough to tie your shoes.

In bible study the other morning my group was having a deep, theological discussion about Paul. I swear I sat there thinking about what I had put in my kid's lunches that morning. The conversation bounced around me like a one of those small bouncy balls you get from a gum ball machine. All crazy and out of control. I admire that these women can be so fresh and insightful at 9:30 in the morning. I decided right then and there if anyone wants any deep and penetrating idea from me it needs to be in the 11 am. hour. That's my good hour. Any time before and I'm fuzzy from the lack of sleep and the frenzied morning pace. Any time after and I'm already starting my wind down for the day. The slow descent into housework, laundry, carpooling, homework, dinner, baths and finally bedtime.

I worry sometimes that my life will never return to "normal". I wonder if I will one day get back to a rational way of thinking and talking.

Last night in the car, on the way to soccer practice my daughter asked me, "what time does practice start?" My response was, "what practice?" Unfortunately, my two teenage daughters were in the car. You'd have thought I was on stage at Comedy Central. I started to yell at them, tell them I'd like to see them sit in a chair and have six people talking to them all at once, asking questions, demanding things and see if they could utter a sane syllable. But, I didn't. I stopped myself because honestly, it was funny. And too, I thought about my mom and how she'd said crazy things that never made sense like, "for crying out loud someone go unbark that dog!" We, all five of her children, laughed at her and even wrote down her sayings so we could remember them and laugh again one day at her absurd words.

Maybe I am befuddled and a little mentally hectic these days. But, if I allow myself I can also be full of laughter and whimsy. Letting go of the expectation that I might have something meaningful to say at bible study or go a full day without jelly on my shirt could actually put me on the right track toward, if not lucidness, then at least some good humor.

I love being a mom but I haven't always loved the journey. Late night feedings, scraped knees and sore throats are some of the things that have worn me out and made me stumble. And there have been too many days spent in depression, anxiety and loneliness. Grief has made me want to run ahead and not "sit" in the pain, allowing it's power to transform instead of cripple.

So, maybe at 40 I'm not completely "with it" but I do believe I'm a little wiser and a little more emotionally stable. And that counts for something. That counts for a lot.

This morning after dropping Steve off at the airport I looked in my rearview mirror and saw that Noah, with the sun in his face and his cheeks flushed bright red was asleep. Asleep! At 10:45 in the morning. I sighed. Poor guy, he just doesn't know how to pace himself.