Road Trip

Six hours on the road. Stopped to eat lunch, pee, rent a video from Redbox, get gas. Ellie in the front seat with a blanket over her head for most of the trip. Lucy, Lydia and Noah in the back. Six hours in the car with sticky gum wrappers, emptied water bottles, ground in goldfish, whiny, sleeping, happy, crying, talkative kids. It's amazing the emotions you can experience in six hours.

We arrived home to a tightly locked house. Maddie at work and me with no house key. So, we all pile back into the car and drive to Smoothie King to get a house key. I'm exhausted.

But, the weekend in Virginia Beach with Steve was definitely worth the trip (twice). The trip up had much less stopping and much more anticipation. Ellie and I chatted much of the way, she drove for a good bit for me. The kids in the back laughed, talked, played games and were happy to watch the one video I did bring along. Funny how anticipation is so different from the mundane. Returning to our life in Charlotte. What we know, what we live, what we are enduring now so we can make it to the end.

I stood in the kitchen tonight fixing dinner for the little guys. They sat at the bar asking for water, more chicken, more cheese and crackers. I stood there feeling every second tick off the clock. But, for a split second I wanted to really feel the moment so I made myself be still. I could feel the weight of my body pressing my feet into the floor. Feel this moment. Be present here and now. Hear the children, listen to their constant chatter. Be present, take it all in.

But it was gone as quickly as I willed it to come. Fatigue and impatience set in and all I can think is, "go to bed!"  Them and me.

I'm thankful for the small moments of being aware. Thankful that I have even that. But, the impatience far overshadows  those moments right now. I'm snappy, barking orders, giving killer looks to my kids so often I surprised I have any left. (kids, that is)

Today though, I'm taking refuge in the small victories. A quick snuggle, a kiss, a prayer at the end of the day. When we remember to say " thank you" or "I love you". These are the moments that are getting me through right now. I'm praying that these moments will begin to overshadow the fatigue and loneliness. That love will burn brighter than fear.

Perfect Love cast out all fear. So it must cast out all grumpiness, too. I'm counting on it.

Day 19. 102 to go!