The Shed

I've done a lot over the years to cope with my depression and anxiety. Lately, I've found myself doing what I call breathing prayer. It's basically just deep breathing and saying "help me, Jesus" at the same time. It does help. It gets my focus off of me and what I am anxious about and onto the One that can actually help. Worshiping also helps, although I find that some music can aggravate my anxiety at times. Over the years, I've tried all kinds of herbal remedies. Some may have helped a little. Years ago I learned that exercise was the best thing for me. Sweating A LOT is great for my emotional well being. Recently, counseling has been the thing that has helped the most. And hurt.......

When I started counseling, it was mainly because I had come to a breaking point personally. There have been so many changes in my life in the last three years that I felt I could barely stand up under the weight of them. In my sessions we've done a lot of digging, talking, praying, crying (well, that's been mostly me... thankfully my counselor isn't doing too much crying!) It's all been very healing but at the same time very painful. In recent weeks I have felt intense joy and intense anxiety at the same time. I didn't even know this was possible. I've been wondering about this in the last few days. It's as if I'm digging in the dirt and I unearth this beautiful treasure while simultaneously disturbing a nest of worms. It's exhilarating and gross all at the same time! In this picture I have of me digging I know I've disturbed the worms that have lain dormant for so long. I also know that eventually I'll get the treasure out, free of worms but it's taking a lot more energy and work than I realized it would.

I suppose when things lay undisturbed for a long time they can begin to rot away, like the abandoned house. Or, like some plants and flowers these things can reemerge more lovely and beautiful than before. Perhaps the key to all of this for a person is knowing when to dig those things out. For me, I needed help. Don't we all? I tried to manage for so many years and I guess I still would be if circumstances in my life hadn't led me to seek help.

Today, Steve and I are scheduled to clean out our shed. I can think of about a million things I'd rather be doing.... like nothing! It's his day off I think we should take a nap. But, the shed calls. It really is bad. In the six years we've lived in this house the shed has become the place we just throw things we don't have a place for. Tools, bikes, tennis rackets, scooters, the lawn mower etc... I'm almost afraid to open the door! Who knows what will come pouring out. I can hear us now, "oh, so that's where you've been." "Can you tell me WHY we hung on to this?" I know it's going to take a lot of work, we're going to get dirty and run into some spiders probably, but at the end of the day I will love the feeling of knowing the shed is free of clutter. It will be such a good feeling and it will be so worth the work. And, who knows just maybe we'll find a treasure or two.