Travel

Steve's been home for the last two weeks and it's been so nice having him here. It's great having him drive the girls to school, help with homework, cook dinner, put Noah to bed. These are things I don't take for granted anymore since he started traveling 3- 5 days a week. But what I really miss is waking up together and having our morning cup of coffee on the couch. I love slowly waking up, reading the bible and praying together each morning he is home. I miss sharing a glass of wine on the back porch before dinner while the kids play or do their homework. We've been married for almost 21 years and he's been traveling for only 15 months. It's been difficult, to say the least, getting used to him being away.

If there is an upside to this job it's that it has caused us to do a lot of soul searching. I've come face to face with the ugliness in me. The selfishness of wanting things my way, the way they've always been. It's also forced us to be more honest with one another. Neither one of us has ever been good at keeping our feelings a secret but the last year has brought us to a entirely new place of honesty in our relationship. I've spent a lot of time trying to wrap my head around why being apart has been so hard on us. I know the obvious answer is we are married thus one flesh and all that. And maybe it is that simple. And that complicated.

When he took this job last year and started traveling my anxiety attacks showed back up. It had been years since I'd had any real anxiety. The day he left for his first trip of this season I was in the grocery store grabbing a few things for dinner and all of the sudden I started crying. I got a heavy feeling in my chest and an overwhelming desire to wring my hands. Yes, I literally shake my hands when I feel anxious. I felt like I wasn't going to be able to take my next breath. Thankfully, I had my sunglasses with me so I put them on to cover my suddenly red eyes. Because, you know sunglasses inside are so less obvious than tears. I think the reason I had such a strong anxiety attack is because this was our second season with his job and I knew what was coming this year. His first year was difficult but it was all new and I was trying to figure it out, like Steve was. But this year we both know.

We know the impossible schedule, the exhaustion he feels from being on the road and I feel from being home with the kids. We know what it's like to try to communicate over a cell phone or through text what our day was like or even more difficult what we are feeling and thinking. We know the disappointment we all felt when he missed Harrison coming home from Europe after being away for 6 months, Lucy's first soccer game or Ellie winning her cross country meet for the first time. These are memories he doesn't share except through pictures and the retelling of the stories. It's hard on all of us.

Lately, we've been asking ourselves is it worth it to continue? This year he was the only chaplain for the teams but next year there will be another one. This year was only our first full season but next year we will be more used to the schedule. This year he has spent many hours building relationships but next year he'll have that foundation already. There are reasons to continue and there are reasons to quit and work at Wal Mart!

I've always enjoyed the twists and turns that my life has brought me but often it's in the looking back and seeing the "good", the hand of God where I have found peace or purpose in my journey. But lately, I've been painfully aware of wanting to be in the moment and enjoy this time in my life without having to wait to look in the rear view mirror to see the incredible moments I am living right now.

After twenty years of living with unresolved grief I think I've finally learned that I have to grab hold of the present to be able to fully embrace my future when it does arrive. Looking back at the days after David and Ruth died all I can see is a young woman trying desperately to make the pain go away by racing ahead on the journey. I sprinted down the road rather than allowing myself to walk it and take it in. I missed a great deal because of that and today I am having to re-walk the road of grieving.

I refuse to be angry at myself for the path I've taken. Do I have regrets? Sure. Do I wish I had done things differently? Of course. But, here I am. I can't go back, only forward. So, forward I shall go.